Tales of the Caribbean Nights
by WellPlayedPenny
Summary: A pirate learns there are treasures more precious than gold. A belated Talk Like A Pirate Day fic.


"Are you sure?" Leonard asked. From where he stood on the lonely sandbar one pile of sand looked like any other.

Sheldor stopped walking and looked to him with derision. "Why do you doubt me? Has my memory ever steered you wrong?"

"Well, there was that time you forgot the keys to the gunnery," Raj said. He mopped his head with a kerchief. While he might have come from a hot country he hated the heat. Hence the idea of getting away. Only his luck would have him get a ship which sailed in hot climates.

"I was otherwise distracted by the sudden appearance of a boarding party." Sheldor spotted the tree he was looking for on the beach to the south and advanced across the sand.

Howard rolled his eyes even as he worked hard to keep up with Sheldor's long strides. "That would normally bring things to mind like, I don't know, weapons?"

"Violence isn't always the answer, gentlemen."

"Sheldor, we're pirates. Violence is kind of our schtick," Leonard said.

"You get winded running up the stairs from the hold. Hardly intimidating."

"You pass out at the sight of blood."

"Hence the parlay." Sheldor abruptly stopped. "These sand grains look familiar."

"You can't be serious," Raj said. He unslung the shovel from his back. "We were here five years ago."

"Over there." Sheldor pointed two feet to the right. "Next to the silica grain."

"Let's get this over with," Howard grumbled. He took his own shovel and began to dig.

The three men worked like dogs in the midday sun while Sheldor passed the time calculating the tidal forces at play against the shore. This was a quirky sandbar where tides came and went—sometimes submerging the sandbar in its entirety. It had been a risk to bury the treasure here, but Sheldor felt he had judged the waters adequately to know the depth needed to secure the box in the sand. Besides, like hell he'd surrender even one gold piece to Kripke.

"I hit something!" Howard said. He tapped his shovel again. "Definitely something!"

"Dig faster. The water is rising," Sheldor said.

In a matter of minutes, the metal chest they had placed here five years ago was free. The four men grabbed a corner and brought the chest to the row boat. It had been just in time, as Raj's bootheel felt the lick of water lapping over the sandbar.

"Let's get her aboard," Sheldor said when they had secured the rowboat to the main ship. He clambered up the rope ladder to the deck. "Howard, tie the chest so Raj and Leonard can haul it up. Weigh, hey, blow the man down, gentlemen!"

Howard secured the chest with ropes. "I know who I'd like to see blown."

"It looks pretty good," Raj said when they got the chest to the deck. "I thought it'd be rusty."

Sheldor's eyes narrowed as he scanned the chest. "My thoughts exactly." He produced a key from the chain around his neck and opened the lock.

The four men peered in to see gold. A lot of gold—rings, coins, necklaces, and—

"What's this doing here?" Sheldor reached in and pulled out a long-spouted golden container. "This wasn't here before."

"It was probably in the middle of the loot," Leonard said. He held up his hand, a pleased expression on his face as he took in the ten gold rings on his fingers.

"It was most certainly not. We got the treasure from the British, not the Middle East. And this is most definitely a Middle Eastern lamp."

Raj slung several necklaces around his neck. "Who cares so long as it's gold."

Sheldor rubbed the side of the lamp. "It seems to be—" Smoke started pouring out the spout and he dropped the lamp. The smoke continued up into the air until it seemed to solidify into a bikini-clad blonde beauty.

"I'm free!" she shouted. "Free! Free! Fr—" She noted three sets of eyes ogling her. The fourth was set in a scowl. "Oh balls," she snapped. "Okay, who rubbed the lamp?"

As one, Howard, Leonard, and Raj pointed to Sheldor.

"What are you doing in my treasure chest?" Sheldor said.

"No clue," the blonde apparition said. She looked down at the chest. "Not a lot there, but I suppose it's what you do with it." Her eyes took in Sheldor's knee-high boots and tight pants. "Not that you've got a problem."

Sheldor's hand instinctively covered his groin. "Who are you?"

The woman extended her arms wide. "I am Penelope, the Genie of the Lamp."

"Magic!" Raj breathed and dropped to his knees.

"Magic is hokum," Sheldor said and crossed his arms.

Penelope raised an eyebrow. "How do you know that?"

"I study science. I have a fundamental understanding of the universe."

"So explain how I came out of the lamp?"

Sheldor's lips trembled and his right eye began twitching. Penelope winked in response.

"All right missy," he began. "If I accept your premise that you are, in fact, a Genie, then I assume all rules are on the table regarding the legends of the wishes?"

"You did free me," Penelope said.

"What are you talking about?" Leonard asked.

"In lore, the freer of the Genie from his or her imprisonment receives three wishes," Sheldor explained.

"You get one wish," Penelope amended.

"Why one?"

"It's a recession everywhere, bub. Now take it or else we could call it even and—"

"I'll take it," Sheldor snapped.

"Well? Are you going to wish for more treasure or what?" Howard said.

Sheldor shook his head. "A reward such as this won't be wasted on something so mundane. It has to be something meaningful. Something worthy." He clasped his hands behind his back and thought. "I'm already Homo Novus, so there'd be little room for more intelligence."

Penelope looked to Leonard. "Homo Novus?"

"Don't ask me. He's been calling himself that from the moment I met him," he replied with a shrug.

"This requires thought," Sheldor said, completely oblivious to the conversation. "To the Fortress of Solitude!" He strode off the deck into the hold.

A smile slipped across Penelope's lips. "Fortress of Solitude?"

Howard elbowed Leonard. "Told you we shouldn't have chosen captainhood based on height."

%%%

"That's a big ship," Penelope said.

"No, that's big trouble," Leonard sighed. He went to the hold entry. "Sheldor! It's Kripke!"

A moment later and Sheldor came to the deck. He angled the telescope over to the ship. "He'll never get my Precious."

"Why Sheldor, we just met," Penelope said.

"I mean my ship. Kripke has it in for me."

"Why?"

Howard checked the blade of his sword. "You've met Sheldor. It should be obvious—'blah, blah, I'm a genius. Blah, blah, you're an idiot.'"

Sheldor went to the ship's bow. "I never said that. I'd have to receive brain damage to be considered a mere genius." His brows came together in a frown. "Rats. There's no way to escape the inlet until he enters the bay."

Penny floated over to Sheldor. "Maybe this is where you can parlay."

"Not with Kripke. The man's a scallywag."

"You do have a wish."

"I am not wasting my wish on Kripke. I'd rather be pantsed."

A dark-haired figure wearing a blue puffy shirt and black pants came to the bow of the incoming ship. "Hey Sheldon! Weady for another wownd of pantsing?" he shouted.

Penelope's eyes widened. "I thought you were kidding about the pantsing."

Sheldon's jaw set. "I never jest when it comes to pantsing, swirlies, or wedgies." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Go away."

"Why should I?" Kripke replied.

"Because—" Sheldor paused. "Because your mother must have told you to mind your own business."

"Awre you sewious?"

"I'm always serious. And it's Sheldor not Sheldon."

"And Sheldor's gonna kick your ass!" Penelope added.

"Language, Penelope!" Sheldor snapped.

"W-O-W-Z-E-R-S! Who is zat?" Kripke said in a tone which made Penelope's right hand curl into a fist. "How did you get a girl?"

"She's not a girl, she's—ouch!" Sheldor rubbed his shoulder and glared at Penelope.

"That's right. I'm a lady," Penelope called out. "And I'm warning you not to press your luck. This is a cursed bay."

"Curses are hokum," Sheldor said.

"Shut up, Sheldor."

"I think my six cannons can fwighten away any spooks," Kripke said.

"We'll see about that." Penelope's smile was thin and, to Sheldor's feeling, more than a little malicious.

Back at the ship's wheel, Raj pointed at the little white flakes which had started to fall onto the water. "What's that?"

Leonard was puzzled. "Snow. But it's only falling on the water and not the ship."

"I think the point is that it's snowing in the freaken Caribbean," Howard said. He had just returned from the gunnery armed with two flint-lock pistols.

Raj went to the side of the ship. "Boy, it sure does make pretty foam."

"It doesn't make foam." Howard joined him and took in the white creamy foam which was rising up the ship's hull. "Good God, it's foaming!"

"What's going on?" Kripke yelled at his crew.

Penelope put her hands on her hips. "Told him this place was cursed."

"Like I said before, curses are hokum," Sheldor said. From his perspective, the entire bay was filling up with the mysterious white foam. He looked skyward, but there were no clouds in the sky to be the origin of the white flakes. More importantly, there was no wind to fill the sails. "But that doesn't mean we can't take advantage of the situation." He stormed down the deck. "Howard! To M.O.N.T.E!" Both men went into the hold.

"M.O.N.T.E.?" Penelope asked Leonard.

In response, he pointed to a lever to the right of the ship's wheel. "Mechanical Oar Navigational Transport Equipment. Something Sheldor thought up and he and Howard built."

There was a chugging sound from below deck, a hiss of steam billowed up the hole to the ship's hold. Penelope raised an eyebrow to Leonard.

"That's normal," he said.

Slowly, the ship began to move. A moment later and Sheldor popped back onto the deck. He took up the lever and ever so gently angled it to the right.

"I see the foam has blocked our view of Kripke's ship," he said. "No matter. With my memory, we'll have no difficulty exiting the bay." He glanced at Raj. "Angle starboard." In response, Raj and Leonard went to the sails.

"What's moving the ship?" Penelope asked.

"A combination of water and steam to move a series of paddles."

There was a cough and Penelope saw a puff of steam come out of duel pipes which she had just noticed at the back of the ship. "This is magic!" she said, absolutely delighted.

"No, this is science. Now shush." Sheldor's brow came together in concentration as he recalled the various rock formations in the bay.

There was a sudden blast from the left, and a streaking cannonball arced over the ship.

"Drat." Sheldor pressed forward with the lever, hoping to garner more speed from M.O.N.T.E even though he knew there as no way it could outrun a cannonball.

"M.O.N.T.E.'s too noisy." Penelope raised her arms and a giant pair of leopard-spotted ear muffs appeared and clipped to both sides of the ship's hull. All became quiet.

Sheldor spoke, but stopped when he realized he didn't make a sound. He frowned at Penelope as she mouthed the word "magic" and then smiled.

Thanks to Sheldor's skill, the ship made its way out of the bay. He gestured to Leonard, opening his arms wide, and his crewmate nodded and opened the sails.

The ear muffs disappeared and sounds retuned in a rush as the sails billowed crisply in the wind. There was a last gasp of steam from the pipes and then M.O.N.T.E was silent.

"Come all ye young fellows that follow the sea," Sheldor sang loudly.

"To me, way hey, blow the man down," Raj, Howard and Leonard joined in.

"Now please pay attention and listen to me."

"Give me some time to blow the man down."

Their voices were cheerful and strong. Penelope sat back in the air, resting on her smoky bottom, and listened.

%%%

"What's that?" Penelope asked. She had drifted over to rest above Sheldor's head.

"A telescope. You're in the way of the lens," he said. Penelope floated to the side. Sheldor looked through the eye piece at the starlit night sky.

"I get that part. I mean, it looks different."

Sheldor perked up. "I've made modifications. With some tinkering I managed to fabricate a near perfect parabolic bronze mirror. This allows my reflecting telescope to work."

"That is so neat!"

"Indeed."

"Can I take a look?"

"If it means you'll afterwards leave me to my work, I'll agree."

Penelope lowered to the telescope eye piece. "I'll agree to disagree with your agreement to agree, agreed?"

Sheldor crossed his arms. "Or in other words, I'm stuck with you."

Penelope took in the wonders of the sky thanks to the telescope. "It's absolutely beautiful up there."

"And no magic required," Sheldor said with a twitch of a smile. He moved Penelope's lamp and adjusted the angle of his lit lantern so it would highlight his star map which rested on a table.

"Yeah, yeah. I guess that means you're doing more than ogling up there." She drifted over to the map. "You're mapping the stars. Only, what's with the gibberish?"

"That 'gibberish' are equations which change how we perceive the universe," Sheldor said with a frown.

Penelope sat back on her cloud behind. "So what do those squiggles say?"

"The stars are moving in space."

"Shut up!" Penelope looked skyward and waited. "I don't see them moving."

Sheldor lowered himself and looked through the telescope. "It takes time, Penelope. I've been mapping out the same star since the first night mother had stopped breastfeeding me."

"You're making this up."

"Science never lies." Sheldor went back to the map and inked a new line to the equation.

"But people do. I mean, give me one good reason why a child would stare at the same star for twenty-three years?"

Sheldor took up a compass and measured stars on his map. "I had a small window in the bedroom I shared with my siblings. I saw the star in question and wondered about its construction. When my father went to the tavern he made me wait outside while he was seducing a barmaid and drinking himself into a stupor. It was on one of those excursions where I heard two men discussing astronomical theory, or physika as I like to call it."

"You were how old?"

"Three years four months and thirteen days."

Penelope's eyes narrowed. "Now I know this is bunk."

"If you interrupt, I won't continue." Penelope made a buttoning motion on her lips. "As I was saying, I heard these men talking and discovered there was a library. Books, Penelope! Tomes of Knowledge. It took me several wanderings at night to find it, but once I did discover the library, I'd sneak in at night to read."

"You could read at three?"

"Mother had a Bible. She whacked me on the head with it when I refused to eat my peas. Anyways, I read as much as I could and did my best to conduct my own experiments at home. When circumstances dictated otherwise, I left home at eleven in search of more knowledge."

"But you're a pirate, not a scholar."

There was an involuntary twitch on Sheldor's face before he regained composure. "Yes, well, my genius isn't meant to be wasted on mere academia."

Penelope raised an eyebrow. "But then who'll know how to read your squiggles and maps? Who'll know about your refracting thingie? Who'll—"

"I don't know!" Silence save the lapping of water against the hull.

"I've heard about people like you," Penelope said in a soft voice. "A beautiful mind genius type." They locked eyes. "Wish yourself into academia."

"Not a lot of schools accept pirates."

"I'll make them. Sheldor, this is your dream. I know if I had the opportunity to do what I wanted, I'd do it in a heartbeat."

"What does a wish-granting Genie want?" Sheldor asked.

"Freedom. The lamp keeps my powers in check. Totally sucks. That you haven't just popped off a wish has allowed me days outside the lamp. Thanks." Penelope moved to look through the telescope. "So tell me more about your moving stars."

Sheldor straightened. "All right. It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky…."

%%%

"Why are we going this way?" Penelope asked. "I thought you said we were heading to the islands?"

"Amelia," Leonard said, and continued the ship's steady course with the wheel.

"That's a funny name for a pirate."

Howard gave a short laugh. "But not for a tentacled nightmare, a.k.a., Sheldor's girlfriend."

Penelope's eyes widened in surprise. "I never thought Sheldor would have a girlfriend. I mean, he's brilliant, and handsome, and has brilliantly handsome blue eyes, but—" Penelope caught Raj's grin and began to blush. "All I'm saying is that—"

"Who would be whacked enough to go out with him?"

Raj dipped his mop in the bucket. "Well, Amelia did claim to be his mental equal. Though I still wouldn't like her tentacles on me."

Penelope was horrified. "Wait, you mean the tentacles aren't metaphorical?"

"Nope," Leonard said. "Amelia's the eight-armed witch queen of the sea."

Howard made for the ship's hole. "Or at least something which rhymes with witch."

"Shh! She'll hear you!" Raj hissed.

"Many people hear Howard. Few listen to him," Sheldor said as he emerged from the ship's hold. "And FYI, Amelia's not my friend, much less my girlfriend."

Penelope floated by Leonard. "So how did Amelia get involved with Sheldor?"

The boat began to rock.

"Well, we were caught in a storm," Leonard began. "Although we have our suspicions that Amelia caused it since the storm came out of nowhere."

"Kind of like right now," Raj said. He wiped the nervous sweat from his brow with his hand. "I told Howard not to piss her off."

Sheldor rolled his eyes. "Don't be hysterical, Raj. Lapping waves doesn't mean an impending invasion by a tentacled mad woman."

From a vortex above their heads angry clouds billowed out carrying lightning swords in their midst.

"And now?" Leonard said in a broken voice.

The water began to froth.

"Now we skedaddle." Sheldor dashed for the sails. "Raj! Help me angle the sails!"

Penelope waved her arms and a gigantic red rubber floating ring appeared around the ship. Immediately, the ship stabilized.

Sheldor caught Raj's attention. "Tell Howard to fire up M.O.N.T.E. We're getting out of here!"

" _Sheldon,"_ a lifeless voice cackled from seemingly everywhere. _"Come here my love."_

"Never!" Sheldor roared back. "And my name's not Sheldon!"

Suddenly, a giant black tentacle flopped onto the deck and moved in a haphazardly fashion as if in search of something—or someone.

"Sheldor!" Penelope cried as another tentacle came onto deck. Thanks to the rubber buoy, the ship managed to stay erect despite the massive weight of the tentacles. Penelope snapped her fingers and a Louisville stamped bat appeared in her hands.

With a loud smack, Penelope's bat whacked the tentacle, making it slither back into the water. The other tentacle thrashed angrily on deck, knocking the telescope and table aside. Fortunately, Sheldor had taken the map and oil lantern inside.

The same couldn't be said for Penelope's lamp, which clattered across the deck. The tentacle, seemingly attracted by the vibration, slithered to the lamp, snared it, and returned to the sea.

Penelope turned into a wisp of smoke and went into the water. At the same time, the rubber buoy disappeared.

"Penelope!" Sheldor said. He went to the side of the ship and saw her golden lamp sinking further into the depths. Without hesitation, he dove into the water. Hopefully, the swimming lessons he took would help him. As the swirl of water pulled him downwards, he realized that taking the lessons on dry land might not have been the best idea.

A thick, inky black tentacle wrapped around his leg and pulled him down and to the left, until he was inside a lit cave. When he surfaced, Sheldor was overwhelmed with the heavy odor of wet wool. Then he caught the bespectacled mass of stringy brown hair and sharp beak that was Amelia, witch queen of the sea.

"Sheldon!" she said happily. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Hardly. You nearly sunk my ship." Sheldor kicked off his boots to help keep himself afloat.

"Wouldn't have happened if you followed the five-year plan. Besides, look at the wonderful gift you gave me!" A tentacle raised Penelope's lamp into the air. "A true lamp of the Jinn!"

"She's not yours. Give her back."

"Not without my wishes." Amelia rubbed the lamp with another tentacle. In response, a smoky cloud billowed from the spout until it formed into a grim-faced Penelope.

"What do you want?" Penelope snapped.

"My wishes. I am the mistress of the lamp. You must—"

"Give you your wish, yadda, yadda, yadda. So spill it."

Amelia cocked her head in thought. "So much to wish for. So much I want." Her beady eyes narrowed on Sheldor. "But not as much as you. You are the most similar to me of anyone I've met. We would make suitable mates and produce superior offspring."

"I already said no," Sheldor said angrily. "My love is for science. You can't force me to love you."

"I'm not going to force you—she is." Amelia's smile was sickeningly sweet as she again held up the lamp. "Jinn! I wish that Sheldon would be helplessly in love with me."

"No," Penelope said.

"You have no choice!"

Penelope put her hands on her hips. "Well, you have to get in line. Sheldor still has his wish."

In an instant, Sheldor was in the grip of a tentacle and lifted into the air.

"Make your wish, mortal!" Amelia roared.

"Why should I?" Sheldor replied. He winced as the tentacle squeezed. "Good answer."

Penelope darted before Amelia's massive bulk. "Stop!"

"Only when he makes his wish!" Amelia said.

"I'd rather die!" Sheldor said.

Amelia squeezed tighter. "That can be arranged! Then I can wish you alive and in my power."

Sheldor stopped struggling. "Release me," he said in a serious tone. "I'll make my wish."

"Good choice, my love." Amelia set Sheldor on top of a tentacle she had floating on the water's surface. "Keep in mind that I am also a powerful sorceress who would survive any attempt at you trying to wish me dead."

"I don't kill," Sheldor said. "I also don't indulge in social conventions. But I do listen." He looked to Penelope. "You said I should follow my dream. But who would believe in a pirate son of a destitute alcoholic father?"

"I do," Penelope said softly.

"I know," he replied. "Which is why I wish you your freedom from the lamp."

"No!" Amelia squawked. She tried her best to squash the lamp, even as smoke pushed off the lamp's lid. The smoke floated into Penelope, who grew in size until she was as big as Amelia's body.

"Time to get all Nebraska on your ass," Penelope said with a smile.

A bat appeared in her hand.

%%%

Sheldor stood at the bow of the ship looking outwards at the sea. "Sails up?"

"You heard us grunting for the last fifteen minutes," Howard grumbled. "What do you think?" He tethered a line to the deck.

"I'll take that as an aye, aye. Now helmsman, set course starboard forty-five degrees."

Leonard turned the ship's wheel. "Course set."

"Penelope, engage."

Penelope appeared beside Sheldor. She had added a tri-pointed hat to her bikini outfit. "Aye, aye." She cupped her mouth with her hands and let out a breath at the sails. In response, the sails stretched out and the ship moved. "Ship's a'sailing, Moonpie."

"What did you call me?"

"Moonpie."

Sheldor scowled. "Don't call me Moonpie."

Penelope scowled back. "Then don't call me Penelope. I told you what to call me."

"Penny."

"Your lucky Penny," she amended and smiled wide.

"Penny, there's no such thing as luck."

"Sure there is." She planted a quick kiss on his lips. "See? I got lucky."

"No, you'll be lucky if I don't send you to the brig," Sheldor said, his cheeks flushing.

"I bet you say that to all the girls."

"Just one." Blue eyes met green. "I have a feeling one will be trouble enough."


End file.
